What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 04:44
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
What did i know ?
I dreamt my mother had died and I cried so much in my dream. What does it mean?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was in good health!
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As i do to all so called friends.?
I said to her
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So whats the point in blame.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was seconnd youngest,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She married twice! .
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I was scared of men, in general
Would this be the day?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Is it just me, or do we all hate Sasuke from Naruto?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We were not on the streets..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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And i lived it daily.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot live in the past .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
All the time i was locked up.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But it wasn’t much.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im still living with it.
I waited trembling.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I couldn’t, believe it.
She wouldn,t have been !
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I have no regrets .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She found it foreign!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We all went to grammer schools
I write beautiful poetry .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Especially a lifetime of it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So, i spoilt her more .
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
This is soul school!.
It was going to be , some day.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She loved him until the end.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I don,t even have a pension.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was very sick at this time too.
Who then, do I blame.?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Comes on , in middle age.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I think the readers, may guess!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was 9 years of age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He knew the spot.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I will be 64.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My life is so biszare .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Put me off passion for life!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He resisted the act ,that day.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Was to survive, this bastard.
My family never makes their pension either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But, we were locked up after school.
I never cut or harmed myself..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.